Prometheus

Having heard that Ridley Scott is planning a sequel to his Alien prequel, Prometheus, and over reacting ever so slightly on Twitter (“No Ridley Scott, NO!!! The first was one of the worst films ever made, just leave it in the past so we can forget!”), I thought it was only fair to try and watch the original all the way through; after all I managed to watch The Gallows and that was one big plot hole from beginning to end!

When I first watched Prometheus I had to turn it off after 30 minutes when a group of, apparently, well trained scientists took off their helmets after a few minutes of being on an alien planet, never before explored by mankind, because 1 instrument told them the atmosphere was breathable. Having dealt with the other, less glaring, issues leading up to this point (the ‘giant’ looking less broken after falling into the water in the beginning sequence, that fact that anyone is allowed to smoke and drink alcohol on a space ship etc…) this idiotic scene was the straw that broke my will to watch any further.

So this time round I fought my urge to put my fist through the screen and carried on watching… to find out that not only do they take their helmets off but they leave them and wander off to investigate various things that could give of gases which could kill them immediately; not to mention what would happen if they walked into a part of the structure with a not so breathable atmosphere! I might have missed some important dialogue whilst screaming at my TV and maybe this dialogue explained why they were being stupider than an unaccompanied 5 year old but I doubt it.

Before this ‘scene of disbelief’ as I like to call it, Prometheus is a beautiful movie. It certainly has the wow factor audiences were waiting for although it doesn’t break any stereotypes; but I guess when you are Ridley Scott and partially responsible for those stereotypes you don’t have to work so hard. This movie was so highly anticipated that I for one expected more than an attractive, mature 2001 Space Odyssey.

Theron was good as the hardnosed ‘captain’ of the Prometheus science vessel but baring in mind her character displayed blatant tell tale signs of a few mental disorders she would be the last choice of everyone on the earth to captain a space mission (regardless of things found out later in the film, which were pretty obvious but I don’t like spoilers!); unless of course the future earth is so desperate for space ship captains they no longer screen for mental deficiencies. It’s sad to see that sexism in the workplace is still rife in 2093; if the captain was male I doubt there would be any comments about getting laid or why they were there.

Real life space travel has changed massively since films like Alien and Aliens were made and one could reasonably expect it to carry on getting more and more sterile as technology improves, germs become more resistant etc… Astronauts do not drink alcohol (as far as I’m aware) on missions because we know how it affects people and every opportunity to avoid adverse events are taken very seriously on “trillion dollar” space missions to discover the secrets of life itself. In most countries it’s illegal to smoke in bars now but Scott expects us to believe that it’s fine to smoke on space ships with limited breathable air?!

The basic story is intriguing, the engineers etc, but the execution is disappointing to say the least. Whilst I would have been more impressed if I’d seen Prometheus on a big screen, rather than my 17 inches of laptop monitor, I fear I would have also been much more saddened by Guy Pearce being made up to look like an old man whilst talking like a man in his 40s.

A Nightmare on Elm Street

As promised (on Twitter) I dug out this classic horror when I heard the sad news of Wes Craven’s death and to be quite honest I’ve been too scared to watch it again until now.

I was about 9 or 10 when I first saw A Nightmare on Elm Street and, along with the Hellraisers and Poltergeist, it helped form my lifelong passion for the macabre. Hopefully 30 years have given me the ability to watch it without having nightmares of my own for the next month. The 80’s-ness of the film helps as it transports me back to a time before mobile phones and flattering tight jeans for men… back to a time when Johnny Depp was just quite cute.

If you can see past the awful 80’s clothes and the credits that are written in Arial Rounded, the new and popular font of the time no doubt, then the original A Nightmare on Elm Street is a masterpiece of horror movie making and I really hope its creator supplied the world with a decent commentary before his untimely passing. Every shot tells a story, every note of Charles Bernstein’s score is perfectly timed and even though the acting is spotty at best I have always loved the fact that Heather Langenkamp isn’t a stick thin supermodel.

It would be nice if the special effects weren’t so dated. I thought the 2010 remake would be the same film with decent effects (and a plausible stunt double for Krueger!) but when I realised it was an entirely different film, merely trading on the name I had to turn it off. In a handful of instances the low budget effects help the grotesque nature of the scene and at the times when things look really cheap the music and sound effects direct ones attention enough to save the tension of the movie.

I’ve always been fascinated by the dark side of dreams, possibly because of my parents liberal views on media censorship and A Nightmare on Elm Street portrays these dream like qualities in an almost timeless fashion; the feeling of chasing something that’s unreachable, running without going anywhere, malicious intruders etc… This is why a low budget horror film made over 30 years ago can still scare the crap out of me to the point where I have to stop watching not even half way through and call my mummy!

R.I.P. Wes Craven – Thank you for the nightmares.

The DUFF

What better film to watch on my 39^th birthday than a teen comedy romance with a PG-13 certificate? Thankfully bitchy, mean spirited high school comedy transcends age and The DUFF is proof that kids haven’t changed much in the last 25 years.

Mae Whitman and Robbie Amell play off each other seamlessly as the Designated Ugly, Fat Friend (think modern day Juno) and her annoying but strangely attractive, charming jock neighbour. Whitman isn’t particularly ugly or fat but compared to her gorgeous friends she might as well look like Donald Trump for all the attention she gets.

The film is very relatable but it reeks of cliché. I imagine it’s a huge hit with teenage girls, mainly because they are too young to know about Heathers. Boys of a certain age will undoubtedly appreciate the pretty girls but some scenes drag too much, causing even the most focused mind to wander.

The ending is regrettably predictable; I had high hopes it would end on a more sarcastic note but the ‘Twilight’ generation are too likely to top themselves en masse if the underdog doesn’t win though in the end.

The DUFF is pretty much Mean Girls with social media, which is responsible for a good 70% of the laugh out loud moments; with 15% going to Bianca and Wesley and the remainder being attributed to funny but woefully over the top performances from Allison Janney, Romany Malco and Ken Jeong. All the elements are present and correct; it looks great, it’s well put together with a (generally) good pace and, most importantly, it has a clever sense of wit that toes the line of good taste carefully and efficiently.

Straight Outta Compton

I don’t think I’ve ever looked forward to a film release so much in my life. I tried to keep myself in check to avoid almost certain disappointment when it couldn’t possibly live up to the high expectations I was forming and as I sat down to watch all 2 hours and 20 minutes of the NWA biopic my heart was pounding…

“You are now about to witness the strength of street knowledge”

Since 1989 I have had an image of the members of seminal gangsta rap group NWA based on their music and what I’ve seen in the press. I had always imagined Eazy-E as the cheeky fuckwit dope dealing ladies man, Dr. Dre as the quieter intellectual one and Ice Cube as the muscle and this film reinforces all of that and more. I was very worried about who they would cast as Eazy-E as he was such a character with quite a distinctive face (and he was a short arse!) but Jason Mitchell not only looks vaguely like him but has captured his attitude and even his voice in such a way Eric Wright would have been happy about.

Corey Hawkins looks less like Dre but his height and general presence makes him a good choice for the role. The real shock for most people has been O’Shea Jackson Jr. playing his dad, Ice Cube. At one point in the film Ice Cube is telling someone that his wife is pregnant (with O’Shea Jr.) and Jr. smiles ever so slightly; I think because Ice Cube senior actually cloned his son as the physical similarities are frightening. Having never acted before Jackson Jr. was outstanding, his 2 years of preparation paid off in spades. Ren and Yella look less like the real people but the actors bring enough personality to overlook this. They all play the naivety of a bunch of talented lads superbly.

The style of the movie is raw but not over the top, at times it is reminiscent of Singleton’s classic film “Boyz n the Hood”; which helped me get the highest grade in the country that year for my film studies A-Level! Musically the film teases the audience throughout. Opening with the classic sample from the album it cuts into Talking To My Diary from Dre’s new soundtrack album Compton. This happens a few times till the film builds up to Fuck The Police and it is certainly worth waiting for (disclaimer – it is one of my favourite songs of all time, certainly my favourite rap tune). The end credits of the movie are awesome and made me shed a few more tears; I had such a crush on Eazy-E when I was a kid!

The LAPD weren’t very happy about the film and there have been cries of why did up past wounds, it’s irresponsible etc… but what did they really expect?! All is forgiven guys; let’s have a wet n wild pool party to celebrate our new friendship! The scenes at the Detroit gig reminded me firstly of the time the GMP (Greater Manchester Police) told me if a certain Jamaican reggae star stepped foot on my stage the police would be there to arrest him, me and various other people, as well as the time the Nottinghamshire police were called to a Public Enemy gig I was running and the 2 young (pale white) officers refused to go into the 2500 strong crowd to ‘talk’ to one of the band members. I’m quite sure that occasion ended up with the police leaving, tail between their legs to chants of Fuck The Police. It made me smile! As did MC Ren telling a Detroit copper to fuck his grandma, which I really hope happened in real life.

My only criticism of Straight Outta Compton is that it doesn’t tell me anything I didn’t already know. It focuses too much on the contract arguments which were public knowledge at the time (even before the internet) mainly because half of the rap lyrics coming from America are about them! I wanted to know more about them before NWA, more about their lives and loves and more of life in Compton before and after the album changed music forever.

Straight Outta Compton was the first album I bought (actually I probably stole it from my brother as I was 13 at the time and not legally allowed to buy it), I memorised the lyrics and would shout them at police at protest marches and mutter them under my breath when being harassed by The Man so it holds a very special place in my heart. I have to admit to loving this film purely because it brings the music back to me and to, hopefully, millions of new fans, even though it wasn’t quite what I wanted.

All I can really say is “Damn, that shit was dope!”

PS – As a woman it would be remiss of me to not address the sexism and violence towards women, both shown in the film and a scene that was cut. Yes, it is disgusting and an apology from Dre 25 years later (from his ivory chair in Apple towers!) doesn’t mean shit to the women he hurt, but what’s done is certainly done and the film shows both the ups and downs and it could be said that Eazy-E paid the ultimate price for the way he treated women and by losing him the others did pay for their sins.

The Gallows

It might be the fact that I first watched The Gallows on my own at 4am or maybe I’m becoming a horror lightweight but this movie scared the crap out of me within minutes! However 9 pages of topics on its IMDb message board only a month after its release suggests The Gallows isn’t everyone’s cup of tea.

Yes it’s found footage (yawn) with the now token ‘property of whatever local police force’ sign at the beginning and yes, this does cause major practical issues with lighting and editing, especially later on in the film but The Gallows is by far one of the scariest efforts I’ve seen in a long time… if you can get over the major plot holes…  If you want to watch it like I did, having missed most of the hype (I hadn’t even read a synopsis), you might want to stop reading now!

I can’t imagine any circumstance whereby a school (esp. a school in ‘law suit’ America) would use anything resembling real gallows in a play; let alone hold the same play again, on the 20^th anniversary of a student’s tragic death! If that isn’t enough for you to put down to artist license we also have the door that’s always open that everyone in the school knows about.  How exactly does this school in small town Nebraska have anything left inside it that hasn’t been stolen?!?

At points the story reminds me of Nightmare on Elm Street; the children paying for their parents sins etc; and there have been rumours of sequels which make the Hangman Charlie character into a modern day Freddy Krueger/ Jason Voorhees type villain. Whilst I kind of enjoyed this relatively short movie I really wouldn’t bother watching a rehashed sequel with an even flimsier excuse for reliving the events.

Whilst a lot of the horror comes from typical found footage tricks; loud noises off screen, general confusion caused by hand held camera work etc…; The Gallows also uses more traditional techniques, figures in the background etc…  Unfortunately some of the more subtle horror is hard to appreciate because the film is, by the nature of found footage, too dark.

If asked whether I recommend The Gallows all I can really say is if you want quite old school mindless scares you could do a lot worse but for all the found footage haters out there it’s best avoided.

Safelight

I thought it was time for a change of pace after all the crappy horror films I’ve been watching lately, so here are my thoughts on Safelight; a quiet little drama starring the beautiful Evan Peters and the ‘cute in the right light’ Juno Temple.

There isn’t a huge amount of information about Safelight online but I get the impression it was made with a modest budget; not because it looks bad, it has a nice indie feel to it. The cinematography especially is great, giving the movie a hazy yet crystal clear quality.

The characters are reasonably interesting and the actors are remarkably solid considering Peters and Temple are a lot older than the people they portray. The former is reserved and understated but I just can’t see Temple as a prostitute. It feels like a very simplistic ‘girl gets abused so becomes a whore’, dare I say male take on someone’s life.

Safelight’s R rating in the USA must be a blow; there really is no need for it to be any higher than a 15 (I don’t know what the equivalent is) as other than a few F bombs (and the female lead’s profession!) the only violence is completely within context and the sort of thing to put anyone off selling their body and hanging round with crazy pimps.

I can’t praise the individual elements of Safelight enough, the film is generally watchable and inoffensive but I feel unsatisfied. It’s all a bit ‘meh’, boring and bland. Nothing really happens and certain things aren’t explained enough (what is wrong with Charles? when is it set? Etc…). There just isn’t enough substance in 2 sad teenagers photographing lighthouses to keep me glued to the screen I’m afraid.

And why do they keep driving home after every lighthouse? Surely it would have been better to go to loads in one trip, saving petrol and time… Or maybe that’s our biggest clue to the fact that this film is set when petrol was still cheap!

Voices From The Grave

Until recently I thought Age of Tomorrow was going to be the lowest point in film making but Voices From The Grave makes me appreciate the mock buster, which at least managed basic cinematic necessities such as lighting and eye line matches. Looking on the bright side, I finally have a movie to review that’s so bad it’s bad.

Voices From The Grave is one of those movies that’s 3 short stories linked together with a wrap around, in this case a random bloke in the only book store in America that lets you read the book in the shop before buying it. After the bizarre opening credits which would be much more suitable in a Bonanza/Tales From The Crypt spin off, the true horror of what’s to come is blatantly exposed with the worst camera work I’ve seen since college. I appreciate a budget of $10000 doesn’t buy you much equipment but a simple movable tripod would have made the shot of the car pulling up passable.

By the time the first story starts it is quite obvious the people involved in this film don’t even know that you have to light scenes! You can’t just film everything as it is with a static camera barely capturing the ‘action’ and hope it all works when edited together. Director of photography is an actual role in the production of a film; it’s not just another title for the credits.

The editing is laboured and clunky, the acting is worse than bad; these people aren’t even vaguely attractive so I’m guessing the budget didn’t go on paying real actors and the stories aren’t even compelling enough to fill 20 minutes each. I’ve seen some ok films with this short story format and they work because the stories are snappy, quirky tales that wouldn’t necessarily fill a whole feature film and the wrap around wraps (!) up the story in an unexpected way. The stories in VFTG are generic plots without any substance or decent characters or situations and after 10 minutes I’d thought up a much better ending than the lazy rubbish the writers came up with.

There are some (accidentally) laugh out loud moments, especially in the last story; which is called Re-possession and is about a haunted car getting re-possessed… that’s funny in itself! There is no actual horror though, unsurprisingly as suspense and tension are created with good camera work, sound, lighting etc…

Their look says it all!

Am I the only person that thinks that people who drink and drive deserve to crash and die… or does this film take place somewhere where taxis are yet to be invented?

I-Lived

I haven’t posted anything for a while, partially because I’ve been indulging my Joss Whedon fetish and partly because I just haven’t seen anything that makes me want to finish watching it let alone pick up a pen and write about it; so I clicked on I-Lived because it had an IMDB rating of 2.9, thinking it would be so bad I can have hours of fun slagging it off.  However, in the 97 minutes it took me to watch I-Lived, its rating rose to 3.7 and my 6 out of 10 has hopefully helped it on its journey to a more deserved score.

The opening sequence is visually very dark and its relevance was completely lost on me on my first viewing, but the music fits in well and it soon kicks into a convincing vlog presented by the main protagonist, Josh, played adequately by Jeremiah Watkins.  Just as I was about to dismiss it as a Skype found footage effort, the electricity goes off and we are introduced to the world outside the vlog where some charming and not completely awful acting drew me into an interesting plot, along the same lines as 13 Sins.

The similarities are obvious; a mystery ‘thing’ sets challenges and the main character gets rewards.  The fact that the catalyst in I-Lived is an app brings a nice modern twist and the app footage is light-hearted and filmed in a crisp, contemporary way.  This contrasts well with the more realistic parts of the movie which have quite an old fashioned, 80’s TV movie feel.  There is even a film noir touch to some of the scenes featuring Josh’s love interest, Greta.

Whilst there are some tense, scary moments in the latter half of the film, when things start going wrong, something about I-Lived misses the beat ever so slightly.  The pace is a little bit lacklustre and the camera work is a touch off at points… it just feels rushed.

In general I’m loving the impact technology is having on movie storylines, especially the tired horror genre (which doesn’t technically include I-Lived, but it does have its moments!).  On the surface mobile phones and tablets should make plots too easy, with the increased chances of simply ringing someone for help, but films like Unfriended and I-Lived are turning that theory round by making the technology the source of the trouble.

I-Lived is a good, watchable film but the ending is predictable and weak.  Don’t let this stop you watching it, if you expect it to be bad, it’s probably going to be better!

The Nightmare

Documentary / I’m not going to patronise you by telling you how to pronounce an easy, commonly used word like the film makers

2015. American (with token Mancunian!) Uninspired evidence that some people really just need to get over themselves.

This is the story of me in a bad mood watching a bunch of self indulgent wankers talking about their dreams.  Let the abuse begin…

For starters they couldn’t have found 8 more annoying people to talk about themselves or film them in a more disjointed way if they had tried.  It’s impossible to learn their names or to feel for them as people so I’m just going to mock them for the most noticeable aspects of their personalities.

There’s the emo metal guy who I immediately called BS on because he obviously got the idea from his girlfriend to fake it to call in sick so he could roadie for fall out boy and write emotional music about his meaningful trippy sleep paralysis that he can barely describe for the film crew.  The Mancunian is only on there to fill the foreign quota as his voice is so monotonous he could well be a cure for sleep problems and in true Manc style he’s using the film to try and push his dodgy drawings that he sells for a fiver down the local market.

Three or four of the women merge into one and say things like “I have problems with states of consciousness” and “I could feel them pulling me into hell” so I had to immediately block them out of my mind and a couple of the blokes act like they talk about this for a living so can hardly be trusted to give impartial opinions on the subject.

That being said, what exactly is the subject of The Nightmare?  I was led to believe it was a documentary about sleep paralysis but other than around 25 minutes in when the film maker asks have you seen a doctor and most answer no or yes and they were no help, the condition is barely mentioned.  Instead of taking the opportunity to either show the audience what it is really like to suffer with sleep paralysis from decent point of view shots or give good scientific information about a little understood condition The Nightmare decided to speculate that it could be aliens or evil spirits or something else completely retarded only the women they found for this documentary who have trouble with states of consciousness will believe in!

Exeter

After watching several low budget, TV movie-esque horror films Exeter is a treat for weary eyes.  Marcus Nispel’s first film that isn’t a remake is crisp, well made and reasonably scary, although confusingly it seems to have 3 titles – Exeter, Backmask (the film’s original title) and The Asylum.  I could get pedantic about the stupidity of touching railings whilst trying to wipe away everyone’s finger prints and other minor errors but that would detract from what is a pretty good film.

The setting; a derelict asylum, whilst unoriginal, is awesomely eerie and perfect for a horror movie.  It reminds me of an old, equally derelict TB hospital my friends and I used to go to after school until we found out the TB virus can lay dormant for years hence the hazard signs on the barbed wired fences surrounding the rickety buildings.  We always talked about having an epic party there but never got around to it, which is a shame as the party in Exeter (the bit before the demonic possessions) looked great.

The cast all give confident performances and with the help of a good script and some classic cheesy death scenes, they pull of some really funny moments without ruining the pace of the movie.  The kid who gets possessed first isn’t the best actor but I was constantly amused at how much he reminded me of a mini Jay (of Jay and Silent Bob fame).

The thing I like most about Exeter is that, like a handful of other films, it embraces mobile technology, making the realism of the movie more natural.  I’ve never seen a Russian Roulette app but I have no trouble believing one exists and that it is great fun at parties and it’s just been a matter of time before a movie features someone googling ‘DIY exorcism’!*  This is all done with a perfect dose of tongue in cheek humour, although I’m guessing most American teenagers would head straight to their phones or tablets in this kind of situation.

In a totally overcrowded and, let’s face it, boring market that is the horror movie genre, Exeter has carved itself a well deserved place as a solid, expertly made example of a modern horror.  It doesn’t smash any stereotypes but with the exception of a couple of slightly bland, one dimensional characters, it is an entertaining movie, in my opinion worthy of a higher rating than its current 4.6 on IMDb.

*google is officially a verb – I googled it!